"Truly, truly, I say to you, you will weep and lament, but the world will rejoice. You will be sorrowful, but your sorrow will turn to joy.....and no one will take your joy from you."
John 16:20-22
In my Bible study yesterday, these verses were the focus. As you might imagine, if you know our story, this resonated with me in a major way. I have been there. I have felt the depths of sorrow. I have lamented. The thing that seems counterintuitive to us, however, is how the anguish and the joy can coexist....how God can also take the sorrow and transform it into joy. When you are consumed by your own worst nightmare, joy isn't necessarily the first thing that comes to mind. I can attest, though, to how God can plant it there, right in your broken heart.
I was assuming that February would be a difficult month for me, being Elijah's one year birthday. It's even harder for me that his day isn't on the real calendar (though it is on a very special calendar my dear friend had made just for me). How can such a special and monumentous day in our family just "not exist" this year?! I realize for the rest of the world, Leap Day is just an oddity, but for us, it's a treasure. And, it is challenging for me to look at this month without his day there. So, aside from my own emotions, reliving this time last year, and missing my tiny man, our lesson yesterday left me feeling like I had been beaten up just a little. I tried not to break down as Beth Moore read excerpts from "I Will Carry You" by Angie Smith. I felt my body shaking as I tried not to bolt, hearing the familiar words I read as I carried him. But, despite my sorrow, I could see the beauty in what God tells us in John: our sorrow will turn to joy!
This whole past year and a half, we have seen God's hand. We have felt Him guide us, change us, refine us. I would never wish onto anyone what happened to our family. But I can say with all honesty, that I would never take it back. I would never change it. Never again would I want to be who I was before. We see blessing after blessing that has come from Elijah's life and passing. In begging God to use our heartache for His glory, he has blessed that and allowed us to form relationships and minister in amazing ways.
It occured to me this past week, that this adoption is just another piece of the puzzle. Without having walked so closely with Christ through our trials, without knowing down to our very core that He is faithful and He provides, without being so dependent on Him to make it through each day and trusting Him at His word, there is NO way we would have been equipped to answer this call to adoption. It is overwhelming. It is bigger than us. And we know that God has conceived a new family in our hearts. We have lost children: they have lost parents. We can give and receive the love that is so needed. Praise Him for adopting us into His family through Christ and giving us so many beautiful examples of how families are created this way.
So, although I have lived the sorrow, it is now turning to joy. Joy in being willing to GO and do as He asks. Joy in a healing heart. Joy in expanding our family; allowing aching arms the opportunity to hold more babies. Joy in His will and His provision. Today, I am thankful that the words of John 16 are like a soothing balm to this momma's wounds. No one can take that joy away.
If you would like to read more about our journey of carrying and loving our Elijah, you can check out my blog here. Scrolling back to November 2011 will take you to the beginning entry on the diagnosis.
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